Why do I Ever Make Plans?

Cyrus and I arrived in Denver yesterday for another month so that I can work 30 hours a week for my uncle.  Jason took Friday off to facilitate the laundry/packing process.  As I often do when I have a lot to accomplish, I had a basic schedule laid out in my  head of how Friday should go:

6:00am  Wake up, play downstairs, eat breakfast
8:00am  Go for a walk with Cyrus and Jager
9:00am  Get home, start laundry
11:30am In and Out for Lunch (what, I've been having a craving!)
12:00pm Home, Cyrus down for a nap, pack while he sleeps
2:30pm   Cyrus wakes up, we go do something fun, like go swimming or go to the park
5:00pm   Get home and make dinner, which we then eat together as a family
7:00pm  Cyrus to bed, Jason and I spend the rest of the evening relaxing
10:00pm  Go to bed

I should know by now that when I make plans, God laughs.  Here's how my day actually went:

Baby Free

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, my mom, my grandmother and I spent Saturday night at a fancy resort about an hour from Denver.  I've left Cyrus for large chunks of a day several times, and have even left before bedtime on a few occasions, but this was the first night that I have spent away from him...ever.  Now, I don't know if this later than usual, or earlier than usual, or right about the time that most moms leave their children overnight for the first time, but for me, it felt like just about the right time.    

Here are the things I enjoyed while being baby-free:

• Shopping for as long as I wanted without having to worry about a fussy baby who wants to be held right when I'm half naked and trying on clothes.

• Enjoying my meals at my own pace, with no real distractions.  I didn't have to cut anyone's food, or make sure there were no items chucked at servers' heads.  I didn't have to get up halfway through my meal to take a fussy toddler outside, or try to eat while hold said toddler on my lap and trying to keep him from grabbing my fork, water glass, plate, knife, or any other object within reach.

• Adult conversation.  Of course, I get this when Cy is napping or after he goes to bed, but it was nice to enjoy it during the above activities, since that is almost impossible when he is around.

And, finally, the best part about being Baby Free for a night?  Sleeping in!  I realized that this was going to be possible on Friday afternoon, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that tears came to my eyes. I love my sleep, and probably the hardest part about being a mom is the total and complete lack of control I have over when and how I wake up.  Since I continue to breastfeed, this was the very first night that I did not have to get up with Cyrus whenever he deemed it necessary.  Sure, there were times when Jason got up with him, but I usually had to nurse him first, or, at the very least, heard him cry and was awoken by the process.  And, in the past four months, I've pretty much gotten up with Cyrus every single morning, and every time that he woke up in the middle of the night, with only a handful of exceptions.  

Of course, as luck would have it, I actually slept quite terribly.  And I woke up at 7:30.  However, I got to lounge in bed for a while, sipping a cup of mint tea, and not wrestling with a toddler.  It was bliss.

All of that being said, I was extremely anxious to see my baby this afternoon.  He was napping when we got home, and I had to momentarily resist the urge to go wake him up.  I say momentarily because I very quickly came to my senses and remembered that you NEVER wake a sleeping baby!  Once he woke up, however, I rushed to his room and cuddled him for as long as he would let me.  One night was definitely long enough for this first trip, but I don't think a few nights is out of the question in the future. Plus, the allure of sleeping in may just be too good to pass up!

This is what it looks like to not be violently ripped from sleep some time between the hours of 4:30am and 6:00am.  Relaxing in bed with some tea.  Lovely!

A Creepy Trend

As Jason and I try to find a place to live in a city with which we are not too familiar, we have to rely on certain tools to figure out if a neighborhood is worthy to house the Wells family.  One of those tools is  crime mapper that show the different types of crimes that have occurred in that area in the past few months; the other one is a sex offender search.

Tonight, I entered the address of a place we are considering into the Arizona sex offender database.  It pops up a three-square mile map that shows where sex offenders live, as well as locations of schools and daycare centers.  Fortunately, there were no sex offenders in the exact neighborhood of the potential house.  However, I did notice an extremely disturbing trend: It appeared that there were little clusters of sex offenders living near most of the schools and daycare centers!  I was chatting with my cousin at the time, and she had me search her address, too - which is in a decidedly nicer neighborhood - and we found the same thing!  Not only is that extremely creepy, but isn't that against the rules?  If not, it should be.  In some cases, the sex offender appeared to live literally next door or within a few houses of the school or daycare.  That just sketches me out.

So, I would suggest that if you haven't already, you might want to check out your state's sex offender database.  It probably won't convince you to move, and it probably won't convince me not move somewhere (unless of course I discover that one is living right next door...that might be a little too much to handle) but at least by knowing you can be a little more aware of your surroundings - especially if you find the creepy sex offender clusters near your child's school or daycare!  I'd be curious to know if this trend occurs in other cities...Let me know what you find out.

I'll be accepting my award next week...

...for mother of the year.

This beauty happened this afternoon while I was apartment hunting (online).  He ran for the dog bed (one of his favorite places to hang out), slipped, and ran into the heat register.

This happened about three weeks ago while I was working in the garage.  He was playing on the cement step outside of the garage.  I heard him whimper, but he never cried.  Then 20 minutes later, my mom exclaimed "What happened to his head?!?"  This is what it looked like three days later.

My mom keeps chalking it up to "boys will be boys"...but perhaps it's just "kids will be kids"?

What Goes Around Comes Around

It is a known fact in my family that, while she loves it very much, my mom really can't sing.  My father, on the other hand, is very musical, and I like to think that I got some of his musical ability.  I've always considered myself a pretty good singer, and I participated in various touring choirs and solo performances throughout my high school and college years.  My dad claims that I could "carry a tune" from a pretty young age. 

Since my parents were divorced, they both had the duty of singing to me when I was little, which I think I enjoyed very much, at least up to a point.  One of my mom's favorite stories to tell is about the time that I came home from my dad's house after the spending the weekend with him when I was about six years old, and as my mom started to sing me to sleep, I clapped my hands over my ears and ran out of the room shouting "No mommy, don't sing!"

Not one of my finer moments.  Don't worry, though, because it seems that the universe is out to even things up a bit.  I have sung to Cyrus before bedtime pretty much his whole life.  For the last few nights, though, he has started making a highly unpleasant sound every time I start singing to him, and only stops when I stop singing. I have had no choice but to assume that he would prefer it if I not sing to him anymore. This is somewhat heartbreaking - what parent doesn't love to sing their child to sleep? Hmm, I guess now I know how my mom must have felt all those years ago.  Perhaps I owe her an apology...

A little dose of reality...

Lately, I've been feeling kind of old.  Not old in general, but old for a mom with a one year old. I didn't realize it until last week, but I think this is because, for the past year and a half, most of my exposure to moms has been through the Mormon church.  In Mormon culture, it seems to be the norm for moms my age to have children who are already in school and to be on child number three or four.  They might even be done having children, whereas I am just getting started.  All of the new moms I've come into contact with are a good four or five years younger than I.  I got pretty used to being one of the oldest "new" moms in any given setting.  Apparently, this started to give me a complex.  

Because of our current family situation (me living in Denver, Jason living in Phoenix), we've had to delay expanding our family.  And I've actually started to panic about this, because Cyrus is a whole 15 months old and I'm not pregnant again! (Another norm in Mormon culture - when child A turns 1, mom should become pregnant shortly thereafter).  And I'm almost 30! And we want to have four kids!  And I'm so old!

And then, last Thursday, everything came back into perspective for me.  For the past three months, I have been attending a Stroller Strides class here in Denver.  On Thursday night, a few of us got together for dinner and some time away from babies.  All of these moms have infants, most of whom are younger than Cyrus.  Throughout the course of the evening, I discovered that, not only was I the youngest mom there, but I was the youngest by quite a few years - in some cases, a full 10.  And, not only did these women all have young children, but most were still planning to have more.

Huh.  Oh yeah... As far as the rest of society is concerned, I am still young.  I'm not this ancient, time-waster who waited too long to start my family.  

Before I joined the church, and, truthfully, before I started dating Jason, I really thought that I wouldn't even get married until I was 28 or 30, and who knew when I would have kids.  But being around all of these young Mormon moms made me forget that there are lots of ways to live life.  Sometimes, I do wish that I had been able to start my family earlier, but that just wasn't in the cards for us.  I wasn't in a place to get married, much less have kids at 21 or 23 - that just wasn't me.  

There are lots of things I like about belonging to a community where people follow similar paths.  It makes a lot of things easier, especially when many of those paths are not followed by mainstream society. (Abstaining from alcohol and coffee, for example).   But, as I've recently realized, it is important to have my social circle extend beyond this community, if for no other reason then to help me maintain a broader perspective on the different ways that life can be lived.

Not So Roseola!

Yeah, let's not talk about how long it has been since my last post...I have a newsflash - motherhood is hard!  (Wait, this isn't news? huh...)  Motherhood is hard even when you have a really easy baby.  And let me just say that, thus far, Cyrus is a really easy baby.  He smiles most of the time, rarely cries (except during middle of the night diaper changes) fusses for very brief moments when I take away something he wants, naps for about 4 hours a day, and only wakes up once a night.  ( I realize, by the way, that I am tempting fate here - don't worry, I'm fully prepared for him to turn into a heathen at any moment.  For now I will enjoy what I have!)

Although I kind of knew that he was a pretty good baby, I don't think I fully appreciated just how good I had it until I got a taste - albeit a very small one - of what he could be like.  Cy started last week with a really high fever - it was 104.4 at the highest.  I took him to urgent care on Monday and they told me that, besides the high fever, he seemed to be in pretty good health.  Apparently, they don't really worry about the fever unless it stays there for 12 hours without ever going down, goes up to 105, or shows some other symptom.  The doctor did mention, however, that he could be getting Roseola, which basically starts with a high fever for about three days, then presents an all-body rash once the fever breaks.  Those are the only two symptoms, according to the doctor.  (Remember this, this is important).

While Cy had the fever, he slept even better than normal.  On Monday night, he slept 11 hours straight, a record.  He took 2 2.5 hour naps on Monday and Tuesday.  Then Tuesday night he started waking up every 3 hours or so.  By Wednesday morning, his fever had just about broken, and only reach about 101.  There was no rash, so I figured we were in the clear.  He didn't nap particularly well on Wednesday, but I didn't think that was too big of a deal.

Then Wednesday night, he woke up every two hours.  On Thursday, the rash showed up, along with a different baby.  My previously easy-going, smiley, happy baby had turned into Mr. Sensitive Cranky-pants.  He cried at the drop of a hat.  Every time I laid him down to change his diaper or put on clothes, it was like the world was ending.  If he toppled over and bumped his head (which he does about 30 times a day) he screamed like someone cut off his finger.  If I left him for more than 30 seconds, I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood could hear him. You get the idea. He also went from taking 2 2-hour naps to taking 1-2 1 hour naps.  Yeah.  This was not just "Oh, Cy is having a bad day".  This was full-on fussiness.  (Which, by the way, does not seem to adequetately describe what was going on, but that seems to be the official term for it...it just doesn't quite cut it for me).

If I thought that was bad, however, I was really in for it Thursday night.  Not only did he wake up every two hours, but he woke up angry. Inconsolable, red in the face, full lungs angry!  Nursing only worked half the time.  He was awake for about 2 hours from 3am to 5am, and would start crying for no apparent reason every 2 minutes or so, then calm down, then repeat.  By the way, this NEVER happens.  Once he's down for the night, he wakes up to nurse, then immediately goes back to sleep.  He didn't even really do this was he was a newborn.  I was beginning to see why some people only have one baby...

So I did a little digging on the good old internet, and found several sources that listed some additional symptoms of Roseola - one of them being high irritability and fussiness.  Bingo.  Some other symptoms were poor appetite, a minor cough, and minor diarrhea - all of which Cy had, but had been overshadowed by the fussiness.  (Have I mentioned yet how fussy he was?)

So I called the doctor back because, although the internet properly diagnosed his symptoms, the doctor had failed to mention these things, and I wanted some assurance that Cy hadn't come down with some other awful illness.  They had me come in Friday afternoon, and basically confirmed that he had Roseola.  However, the doctor still seemed perplexed by the other symptoms and gave no real explanation.  Whatever.  This is a case where I think I believe the internet over my doctor.  I was just glad there was nothing else going on.

Fortunately, Cy's fussiness is gone, he is back to waking only once a night, and taking blissfully long naps.  And I am thanking God, the Universe, fate, and anyone else who might be involved, for giving me this sweet, easy baby.  I do know that Cy could turn into that other baby again at some point, and for real this time, with no weird illness to blame.  I also know that Baby #2 (or #3 or #4) could be that fussy baby full time, and I am fine with that.  I think...

Praise for ... a Bathroom?

Earlier this week, Jason and I managed to secure a scholarship for an annual membership to the Southwest Community Center, part of the Portland Parks and Rec network.  I did water aerobics there for the three months or so of my pregnancy and was really impressed with the facility.  When Jason and I decided it was time to really commit to a healthy lifestyle, but also knew that we couldn't afford a gym membership, we were thrilled to discover that the community center gave scholarships.  We applied, and were approved, and just in the past week Jason has attended four times (twice on one day!)

Now, Jason was excited for his workouts, but was even more excited when he realized that we could take Cy to Family Swim. Bathtime is one of the best times of our day, and it just seemed a natural progression to get Cy in a pool.  In fact, Jason has been planning for and talking about  "the big event" all week.  He even had me drive across town to buy a pair of reusable swim diapers so that the three of us could take advantage of the family swim today!

After a few hiccups in our plan (including a baby who not only slept in until 9am, but then took an unprecedented 3 hour nap at 11 - why does this only happen on days when I plan for his "regular" nap schedule?)...where was I? Oh yeah, so once we finally got ourselves out the door, we realized that getting the three of us changed and into, and back out of, the pool was going to take some maneuvering.  We had some elaborate plans worked out until I remembered that I had seen family changing rooms at the community center. I had never been inside them before, though, so I wasn't sure how helpful they would be.  I pictured maybe just a basic bathroom with a changing table, and figured we would still have to go shower in the main locker rooms.

Let me just say, of all the things that have impressed me about this community center (and there are a lot), the family changing rooms may just top the list!  Each room has a sink and a toilet, a changing table, a long bench and - get this - a shower!  And the room itself is huge - plenty of room for several children.  It was easy, then, for both Jason and I to take Cy into the changing room together, allowing us to trade off holding him and dressing him while we got ourselves dressed.  It made the whole process so much easier and more enjoyable than it could have been.  Plus, there are a total of four family changing rooms!

I had also been thinking about signing Cy and me up for Parent/child swim classes in January, but was concerned about the whole changing/drying off process, especially since I would be by myself.  Seeing the family changing rooms has eased my worries and now I'm even more excited about the prospect.

I have to know - is this whole family changing room thing common?  Am I just a newbie mom who didn't realize how accomodating some places would be?  Because in my limited experience, most places seem the opposite  of accommodating.  Sometimes I almost feel bad for having a baby in tow.  In fact, I've been surprised by the number of places that have zero space to change babies - and don't get me started on the lack of changing tables in men's restrooms! And yet, whoever designed the community center really thought ahead to the needs of families, and made the swimming experience completely accessible, and, dare I say, easy.  I was already impressed - now I'm downright in love!   (On a related note, Washington Square does have its own extraordinary family restroom, complete with a miniature toilet right next to the big person's toilet.  I don't think I've ever thought of a toilet as cute until I saw that one.  It makes me excited for the day Cy can use a toilet, and I think we may go to the mall just so we can use that one!)

So, needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), we will be frequenting the family swim time and most definitely taking full advantage of these fantastic changing rooms!

...And We're Back!

Well, I really did think that I would maintain a little more momentum after finishing NaBloPoMo, but then we went to Kansas for a wedding...which is actually one of the main reasons why I did NaBloPoMo in October instead of November.  So, we have returned from our week away, and as entry back into the blogging world, I thought I would share a few little tidbits I discovered while in Kansas:

1.  I love weddings.  I don't know if it's going to more weddings or simply getting older, but each wedding I attend (particularly those for people to whom I am close) I get more emotional than I did at the previous wedding.  Maybe weddings remind me of my own wedding, or maybe I just love the whole sentiment.  This wedding was a little bitter-sweet, as it was the last of the Wells siblings' weddings.  There are no weddings looming in our future and this makes me sad.  However, Jason's sister Kelly looked beautiful and the wedding was quite the party!

The happy couple and their wedding party.

2.  I play a (very distant) second fiddle to my child.  On several occasions, various family members, on seeing us for the first time on this trip, ran excitedly toward us and exuberantly greeted Cy.  Then, only after smiling and cooing at him, they noticed either me or Jason and then said hi, generally as an after-thought.  I would be offended except that this happened so often that I must simply take it as a compliment that we made a baby too cute for our own good.

3.  Babies are cute and welcome almost everywhere.  A wedding party-bus (or trolley, in this case) is not one of them...Yes, this was a little lapse in judgment on Jason's and my part.  Jason was in the wedding party, and after the ceremony, the wedding party boarded the trolley/party bus to go take some more pictures around Kansas city before the reception.  At the last minute, myself and a few other spouses were invited on.  Without thinking, Jason and I agreed and Cy and I boarded the trolley...Of course, babies need to eat, and they don't often want to wait for the 1.5 hour party-bus ride to do so. However, a bunch of unmarried young folks don't necessarily want to see a baby nursed on their party bus.  Nor do they want to hear said baby screaming at the top of his lungs when he has to wait to eat.  Add to that the beer bong and bawdy drinking songs, and well, I think I just earned the "worst-parent-of-the-year" award...

Cyrus melting...

Yes, that is a beer bong.  Don't ask me, I'm not nearly cool enough to get it!

4.  Snoring is almost never cute. Unless it is a baby doing the snoring.  Then it is extremely cute.  And must be recorded.  And shared with everyone we see the following day.  I would share this video with you, except that I  can't figure out how to upload a video with the new editor, so I guess we will save that for another day.  If you do know how, please share!

5.  Due to aforementioned cold, I now realize that my child is never allowed to have anything worse than a low fever and mild congestion.  This very minor illness ripped my heart out and brought tears to my eyes.  Anything even remotely more severe will likely kill me.

6.  A sick and slightly cranky baby is not the best traveling companion.  Unless you are flying a nearly full Southwest flight and wish to have an empty seat in your row.  Then, a cranky, sick baby may be just the ticket.

A Costume Conundrum

As a kid, I loved Halloween. I looked forward to trick or treating and I planned my costume months in advance. Fortunately, my mom is an extremely creative woman and a talented seamstress, and she always willingly (or at least, that's how I remember it) spent hours creating whatever costume I came up with - a court jester, a senorita, a spider, etc. But I think some time in high school I stopped dressing up and I stopped looking forward to Halloween. It's become a kind of non-holiday for me. I'm honestly kind of envious of those people who still love dressing up and who still put tons of effort into coming up with and executing creative costume ideas, but I'm just not one of those people. And I've pretty much been fine with it, until now. Because now I have a child.

I hadn't really thought about it until recently, but I've decided that I want to be one of those parents who participates enthusiastically in things, and doesn't just watch from the sidelines. And this includes the spectacle of dressing up for Halloween.

I realize that my child is very young, too young in fact to understand or care about Halloween, and certainly too young to know whether or not his mom is enthusiastically participating in the festivities. But this year seems like a good year to start participating because, one, there will be pictures, and two, Jason and I are attending a few Halloween shindigs where costumes are strongly encouraged. So what the heck.

However, there is a very good reason why I haven't participated in Halloween costuming for the last several years. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my sense of creativity when it comes to those kinds of things. I just can't seem to come up with an interesting, creative costume for myself that can be made (as I believe the best costumes are) and that I haven't already seen a million times. So now I'm caught in the perfectionist's web: Do I let my desire to participate in Halloween outweigh my desire to have a unique, creative costume, or do I simply throw my hands up that I can't come up with the latter, and therefore forgo it all together?

Now, you might ask if this whole thing applies to Cyrus's costume too, since after all, he is too young to choose his own costume, which means I must do it for him. Fortunately, I've been let off the hook this year, as one of his many grandmothers found and purchased an extremely cute monkey costume for him. So he is set. But, this creates another whole dilemma - that of whether or not to try to coordinate my costume with his. And, on top of all of it, as you may all realize, Halloween is just a few short days away, which means that whatever I decide had better happen quickly or else I'll have no time to pull it off.

What's your opinion? Do you dress up for Halloween? Do you try to coordinate your costume with your child's? Do you go store-bought or handmade, and how much time and effort do you put in?

One of Those Days

The day started out all right. Cy slept till 8:00am, went down fairly easily for a nap at 10:00am, and then slept for 2 full hours, which doesn't always happen. Upon waking up he was all cuddly for a few minutes, until he pooped a huge poop, the magnitude of which I did not realize until I went to change his diaper. As I changed it, I realized that it had exploded up his back and all over his onesie. Of course, I realized this after poop got all over the changing pad cover to the point that it began spreading from the changing pad cover all over his arms and legs. Then, as I attempted to remove said onesie from his body, I further spread poop all over his back and head. Admitting defeat, I wrapped him in a blanket and gave him a quick bath, then removed the changing pad cover, all one-handed.

Then it was time for nap #2, which I falsely assumed would go as well as nap #1. Instead, he woke up screaming after 45 minutes and did not stop screaming, even while I held and rocked him until I fed him (though I'm sure he wasn't hungry). I tried putting him down for another nap, at which point he continued to scream until I picked him up and held him.

Of course, today was a day when I had lots of tasks planned - unpacking from our trip, giving the house a good cleaning that it desperately needed, installing Peachtree Accounting software so that I can do accounting for my dad's business, etc. I manged to get that last one done, but none of the others. As I sat at my desk holding Cy so that he wouldn't scream, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for getting at least one thing accomplished. Then I backed up my chair and heard a crunch. I turned around and saw this:

I wonder if killing the CD counteracts the fact that I accomplished something on my list...

Blog Fever and Being Shown Up

Apparently all of this posting has boosted my blogging confidence, and I now think that I'm capable of maintaining not one, but two blogs! Yep, that's right, tease me if you will, but I've started a blog for my child - well, about him really. I decided that I like this blog being about my experiences and perspectives, but realized that some of my family and friends really just want to hear about Cy (honestly, probably just his grandparents, but still). Plus, I'm pretty crappy at scrapbooking, so this is my compromise. At the moment the blog is open, but will soon be made private. If all two of you who read this blog want to read that one too, post a comment and I'll invite you. You can check it out here but know that I've essentially posted the first post here as well.

So about a month ago at Cy's 2 month check-up, we told his doctor that Cy absolutely despises tummy time. Every time we put him on his tummy he immediately dropped his head to the ground and began the closest thing to a temper tantrum that a 2 month old is capable of - screaming, crying and flailing of limbs. We told her that he pretty much just gives up. So she decides to see how he does on his tummy. She grabbed him by the arms and put him on his tummy. Here comes the being shown up part. His arms were straight back against his sides and the first thing he does is lift his chest up, mermaid style. then, he promptly rolls off of the exam table! Fortunately, the doctor was quick and she caught him. Making liers out of us already!

Of course, we get home, and he's having none of it. He flat out refuses to roll over, and though he gives it a minute or two before the wailing begins, he's still pretty unhappy on his tummy. Fast forward to this past Saturday and we have a friend over. After explaining just how much he hates tummy time, we put Cy on his tummy, and what does he do? Rolls over! Shown up again! We tried to get him to do it again later that day and the following day, but yet again, he was having none of it.

Finally yesterday, the day he turned three months old, I put him on his tummy and - voila! He rolled over. Still not convinced it wasn't a fluke, I put him back on his tummy and again! He rolled over! Four times in total and once this morning tells me we've reached another milestone! And, just for a little shameless bragging, here's a video clip:

Is he breathing?

I wrote about Cyrus's napping issues a few days ago, but was careful to only hint at his night sleep, because it has been, well, easy. And I am kind of a believer in the ability of one to jinx one's good fortune by talking about it while it is still happening. But I'm going to write about it just a little anyway and hope that the cosmic forces out there don't punish me.

From the beginning, Cy has slept his one long stretch during the night. Now, I use "long" loosely, as it was only three hours in the beginning. But that long stretch has lengthened progressively over the past few months, going from three to four to five hours. Up until two nights ago, his longest stretch ever was 7 hours, and that was the night after he got his vaccinations. He has routinely only slept about 5 to 6 hours at the longest.

On Thursday night, he went to sleep at 7pm, and at 4am Jason woke with a start to ask if I had heard him wake up. I hadn't. We were both suddenly hit with worry. Jason ran into his room to check if he was ok, and at first couldn't feel him breath. So he patted his head. Nothing. He did it again. Still nothing. Finally, Jason kind of jiggled his head, and - ahh releif - he moved. Twenty minutes later he woke up to eat. The next morning, we marvelled that he slept for nine and a half hours, but were sure it was a fluke. But then he did it again last night. And he's working on the same pattern tonight.

We've waited for this moment kind of since he was born. Ahh, to have to wake up only once a night! To get several hours of sleep in a row! Fantastic! And yet, at the risk of sounding like I'm complaining, because I'm really not, I never anticipated the stress that would come from having him essentially sleep through the night. When he wakes up every few hours, you kind of know that things are ok. Although I'm sure it's kind of false, there's a sense of security in that. It's kind of scary to have him sleep so soundly for so long. Just a few minutes ago, I went into his room to check if he was ok, and I too couldn't feel the rise and fall of his stomache. My heart dropped a little, even as I realized that he was probably just fine. I placed my hand in front of his face and sighed again with relief at the warm-cold-warm breath I felt as he breathed ever so softly in and out.

I realize now that the overwhelming fear that something will happen to him will never go away. Add that to the list of things I heard but didn't believe. After Jason and I lost our first pregnancy in the 10th week, we were understandably on edge when we got pregnant with Cy. After a brief scare with him in the 10th week, we saw his heartbeat again, and I remember asking my midwife in a shaky voice to reassure me that seeing the heartbeat at 10 weeks was a good sign. And her response stuck with me. She said: "Yes, that is a good sign. But Amber, that feeling that you're hoping will go away, that worry? It never does. Not even when they're 18." And although I knew she was probably right, I think somewhere in the back of my head I figured that once he was born, I would rest easy. I was wrong. Not only does that worry not go away, it seems to intensify with each passing day. And I'm quite sure that it will grow and stay with me until the day I die. Just a little side affect of loving another human being more than life itself.

The thing that makes me feel like a bad parent

I can't figure out naps. Not my own - I've had those down for years - but Cyrus's. I want to be careful how loudly I complain about this because so far nighttime sleep has been managable and I don't want some cosmic force out there to show me just how bad it could be by taking away my blissfully easy evenings.

That being said, I spend the better part of my day trying to a) figure out if Cyrus is tired, b) find that "magic time" when he supposedly will go down without crying, and then when I miss it (which I do almost all the time), c) try to get him to go to sleep.

Some people may argue that if he's not sleeping during the day then he must not be tired. But the thing is, when he gets enough sleep, he is a nearly perfect baby. He rarely cries, he smiles happily, he is a joy to be around. However, when he doesn't get enough sleep he spends most of his day fussing and has very little happy time.

Cyrus at about 4 weeks...back when naps were easy!

The worst part is that everything keeps changing! Again, I don't want to complain too loudly, because I do realize just how much worse this could be, but he has had stretches of two weeks or so at a time where naps are almost seemless. That's how I know what he can be like. But a little switch goes off every two weeks or so and I find myself in a day like today. He refused to nap for more than 45 minutes at a time, and all but once woke up screaming. When I nursed and rocked him into an almost sleep state and then put him in his crib, he began screaming again, as if he knew what was coming and just wasn't having any of it. But because I know he needs sleep, and he won't sleep in my arms anymore, I have to leave him in his crib to cry. (This is the part where I feel like a terrible parent). He eventually falls asleep after fussing, crying and cooing off and on for 20 minutes or so, only to wake up 40 minutes later, whereby I watch the clock and him, trying again to pinpoint that supposed magic time, and then start the whole process all over again!

Part of my problem is that I am just so darned concerned about doing it right. And although I logically know that it is unlikely, I keep fearing that I will mess him up forever. Now if the cycle repeats itself, he should be back to napping well again in a week or so...but what if that doesn't happen? I realize that I am exposing my naivety as a parent, but I keep worrying that this current state will last forever and that I'll go bonkers.

And yet what I keep coming back to is why will he go to sleep so easily at night (universe, please don't shoot me down for this), but refuse to take naps? And, why will he take naps for a while and then stop? Does anyone have any answers for this? I welcome any and all suggestions!

Lazy Sunday and a Little Perspective

It is rare that I get to spend a day relaxing at home with my husband, with no errands to run or tasks to complete. Although I have some time to relax during the week when Cy is sleeping, I am at his total beck and call during the work day. Saturdays are usually spent either running errands or trying to get in some fun family time away from the house. And on Sundays, Cy and I spend the afternoon at church. But today was General Conference (a special broadcast church service that happens twice a year), so I didn't have to go anywhere today. And, since Jason was home, I had a partner in meeting Cy's demands. The greatest part about this was that I got to sleep in until 10:30am (after a 6:30am feeding) for the first time since Cy was born! Now, I don't need to sleep in often, and I usually tried to get up at a decent hour even before he was born, but on occasion, sleeping in just feels luxurious. Once awake, I then got to spend a good portion of the day in my pajamas, just lounging around.

Another bonus about today: it put a little perspective on things for me, in kind of an odd sort of way. Although I love being with Cy, sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming to be the one person who can meet his needs, especially when I am with him all day by myself. On some days, I find myself just counting down the minutes until he goes down for a nap so that I can do something for myself: take a shower, eat some lunch, check my e-mail. When Jason is home, however, he loves spending time with Cy so much that, unless he needs to eat, Cy is pretty much with Jason most of the time. So, today, for example, I had so much time to do things for myself that I actually found myself almost missing him. I found that I cherished the few moments cuddling with him after a feeding before I handed him over to Jason, partly because I knew that I didn't have to hold him. I hope this makes sense, and that I don't sound like a terrible mother. I do love my child, but it was just kind of nice to have a day when being with him was completely a choice, and still one that I wanted to make.

Now, if only I can keep this perspective as we go into the work week...

Three Things I Heard But Didn't Believe About Being a New Mom

It's funny how you can hear things sometimes, and know that they are probably true, and yet somewhere in the back of your head, you just think they won't apply to you. When I was pregnant, this happened a lot in regards to what my life would be like as a new mom. Now that my baby is here, I've realized just how true these things are:

1. You will be tired

You know, I knew that an essential element of being a new parent was surviving sleep deprivation. I knew that I wouldn't get much sleep and that I would feel pretty tired at first. But here's the thing - I've been tired before! I ran a summer camp for the past five summers, a really intense summer camp with challenging children and overworked staff in a brutal, wilderness environment. I routinely worked 18 hour days, and during staff training, often survived on just 4 hours of sleep. I got awoken in the middle of the night or early, early in the morning for various emergencies - I figured that I was perhaps more prepared for this sleep-deprived state than most

I was wrong.

I didn't know tired until I brought that baby home. Part of it I'm sure is that I started off the whole being a new mom thing by having to recover from a c-section after undergoing 50+ hours of labor and over two days with little more than a few hours sleep (that story to come soon). The first few nights in the hospital were rough because I had to wake Cy up every two hours to feed him, and by the third night my milk hadn't come in but he was hungry! By the time we got home, I didn't know what to do with myself, I was so tired. In fact, I think there should be a new word for the kind of exhausted that comes with being a new parent. Something like, close-to-death-don't-know-my-own-name-what-time-of-day-is-it-again-tired. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for that feeling.

2. They change fast

Well of course they change fast, I thought, they are little babies, they are growing and developing every all the time. Right. They change every day! And not in subtle ways, in big ways! What I didn't realize was that as soon as I thought I had a routine, or knew what worked for him, he changed it up on me! What worked in the morning didn't work in the evening. Oh, he's taking two three-hour naps a day this week? Don't worry, next week he won't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time, and it will take you three hours just to get him to go to sleep! Perhaps what I didn't believe wasn't how fast he would change, but rather just how much his rapid change would affect me.

3. Don't expect to be in pre-pregnancy clothes for a while

This is the one that I haven't yet overcome. I just can't get over it. I mean, I knew it would be tough to shed the weight, but I didn't anticipate how much the shape of my body would change. Not only am I wearing a significantly larger size than I used to just so that I can stop wearing maternity pants, my clothes fit differently altogether. When I told Jason this, he laughed and said, "Oh, now you'll have to get Mom jeans." Except, the thing is, I've discovered that so-called mom jeans aren't a particular style of pant...it's just the way all pants look on a mom's body! No matter what style I buy, they look like "mom jeans"! I guess I figured that if I exercised and ate well I'd be able to slide back into my pre-pregancy clothes in a matter of months. Now, I'm just happy to be in anything non-maternity, no matter the size.

Were there things that threw you off about being a new parent? What are things that you heard but didn't believe?